If you are having trouble with the whys when negative events in your life occur, this Relationships Matter Monday commentary, Skip the Why Question, For What is the Next One, will get you moving in the right direction.
Image from Google Images
When bad things happen to us, there is a tendency to ask why. It is just human nature. Specifically, when referring to relationship demise, especially with those most important people in our lives, a laborious amount of time is spent focusing on all the possible reasons why a specific person acted in a certain way. However, despite all the effort expended, these fruitless episodes of examination rarely lead to understanding and closure, but to more frustration and hurtful feelings.
These are some common why questions, but fill in the blank with your particular scenario: why did I get fired, why did he or she break up with me, and why did my best friend stop talking to me.
Even though experiencing this ‘why phenomena’ is common and an acceptable norm for all or most individuals when negative events and situations occur, have you ever thought about how counterproductive this activity is? Consider now all the hours you have personally spent lamenting over all the possible reasons someone could have hurt you, but never received any truth or resolution, but merely unproven assumptions. Besides, if you knew then, would any rationale have lessened the pain? Probably not, if you are being completely honest with yourself, but what if you could choose a different response the next time a person you care about hurts you without explanation, or refuses to tell you why. Imagine seeing yourself “Skip the Why Question, For What is the Next One?” That way, an inordinate amount of time is not wasted on the great unknown, but on being responsible for something you can control: determining the best course of action. With this empowered attitude, you are much closer to being successful with this next chapter in your life instead of continuing to lament for what you most likely will not ever know.
Skip the Why Question, For What is the Next One Tips
1. Give yourself a specific time frame to ask why. Once that period is finished, refuse to expend any more energy lamenting over the reasons why someone hurt you or treated you unfairly.
2. See the negative positively. Even though negative events are not fun, they provide you with the perfect opportunity to reevaluate your life to determine what is important to you.
3. Switch into a problem-solving mode. Ask yourself different questions about how can you move past this unhealthy place in small baby steps. If you are unable to resolve this relationship upset, there is no harm in getting support from a therapist, coach, friend, or other during this time in your life. Decide to ask for support, and be prepared to know in advance what ways you would like to be helped.
Understanding the whys or determining the reasons someone hurt you in your life is not important, but determining how you will move forward and learn from the experience is. You may be better off in the long run.